Day 50 has arrived and gone and I am finding it increasingly difficult to put to words what I am experiencing.
The week of bowing following the marathon 3000 bows has been a very deep and an interesting experience on many levels. To begin with I had to deal with the fact my knees were recovering from the 3000 bows and this took pretty much the whole week, but something interesting happened today; I noticed I was bowing with no pain in the knees and they were together as were my ankles, which for me doesn’t happen, I bow with my feet beginning at shoulder width apart; so to have them together pain free and with no conscious mind involved as in I had no intention to bow knees and ankles together it simply happened it felt great and that was that.
The next obstacle I was faced with was anger and I was caught of guard here for the simple reason it was my teacher who brought it to my awareness, let me explain. I completed the 3000 bows and there was no two ways about it I was angry, I was angry at being angry the only emotion to go to from there was rage, I think I did for a brief moment, but I carried on none the less and was proud of my achievement; 2 days later I met with my teacher hoping for a pat on the back instead I got a reality check, I was told my session smelt of anger (embarrassing but true) that I approached the bowing with a ‘I can do it arrogance’ and simply missed the bigger picture. Now when you have dug deep and are still sore from your excavations your rear guard kicks in and with some more anger I fought the accusation of anger (oops) I had unwittingly demonstrated the behaviour/emotion i was accused of, which left only one action! Reflection. No one had ever called me arrogant and whilst I knew I got angry I did not realise I carried anger and arrogance with me and allowed them to rule over my experience of life; so the talk I received from my teacher was exactly what I needed to hear albeit not what I wanted to hear and I commend her for her bravery as its not easy to tell others what they need to hear.
My bowing practice has hence transformed and I carried on with forgiveness and added forgiveness for being angry and arrogant and allowing myself to feel those emotions and accept them and that in itself has been very healing and transformative. The anger weighs more than I knew, it has only been since I off loaded it that I know what light feels like – I have a way to go I can still feel tension / anger in my chest and on my shoulders but each day I let go of some more and the load becomes less to carry. An interesting observation I made was I was using anger to remove anger from my body how? When I exercise I grit my teeth and thrash it out so to speak (hence yin yoga and Qi gong have been great for me to balance) so I would sweat out the old anger and replace it with a fresh store and the tragedy was I was unconscious of the whole process before; now I can sweat and work strong, but have a smile on my face and feel light, I am not forcing I am being (hard to explain but those who practice Qi gong and other energy practices will hopefully understand) before I would feel tired and sore (similar to how I felt after 3000 bows) but now I feel re-energised and full of vitality, which gives me extra motivation to keep practicing.
I am half way through the 100 days and feel much better for it, I still have lots to heal and much to learn about myself, I am for the most part enjoying this journey of self discovery and self healing, but their are times when old habits surface and tempt me to go back and so I guess I have no real way of knowing which way the pendulum will swing and where this is going.
For now good night and great health and happiness to you all